


Desiderium

by ChaNssi



Category: VIXX
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Amnesia, Assassins AU, M/M, Some very vague but pretty dark shit, spy AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-04 15:25:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18607285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaNssi/pseuds/ChaNssi
Summary: Desiderium : N. A feeling of loss or grief for something lost“What’s the point of keeping him alive?”“I don’t think you are qualified enough to be curious,”“Who is he?”“You don’t need to know,”





	Desiderium

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there
> 
> Here's my prompt : Nbin are rival hitmen/assassins who always get the same targets (eventually they are given the mission to eliminate each other)
> 
> Alright, so let me apologise before you (mainly the prompter) go ahead and read.  
> That certainly was the prompt I was originally working with. I still have the entire thing planned out.  
> But, what I have ended up with for the fest is something entirely else.  
> It certainly has been inspired from the prompt, yes, as in both of them are assassins, but the plot will not follow the exact prompt. Hence why I call it prompt inspired.
> 
> I'm extremely sorry if I disappoint you (because Lord knows how very disappointed I am with what I have ended up with oh God)  
> I will hopefully be able to one day put up the whole other plotline I had come up with using this prompt.
> 
> The story progression in this is quite episodic. It's in chunks.  
> Mostly, he refers to Hakyeon because well, you'll understand. (Or so I hope)  
> If there's anything that remains unclear, do leave me a comment and I'll clear it out for you ^^

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blinding pain seared through every fibre of his being, shooting straight up his spine. It felt almost as if someone had taken to playing with around chopsticks with the tissue of his brain. He must have been losing his mind because it certainly sounded impossible, even as more unbearable pain shot up and down through him.

He was beyond sure he was screaming, except, he couldn’t hear it. He couldn’t hear anything at all, and if he tried hard enough, the only thing that filtered into his barely present consciousness was the low buzzing that seemed to come from nowhere in particular, yet everywhere in general.

He had no idea where he was, who he was with, what was causing the pain. Hell, he had no idea who he was either, and at some level, that frightened him beyond not having any presence of mind. It left him feeling more than restless, a sort of chill having crept into the deepest crevices of his bones.

Only, he could hear his own thoughts, screaming for help, something he wasn’t entirely sure he’d be heeded to.

Maybe he’d died, and that was his own personal hell. It certainly felt like it. It wasn’t like he could remember what might have transpired to leave him in that condition either, there was absolutely no recollection of anything relevant whatsoever.

It wasn’t for the lack of trying. He just couldn’t reach deep enough into the depths of his mind to pull out the memories that reached out to him. He simply was unable to break through the large metaphorical boulders placed right at the forefront of his mind, keeping him from reaching past.

He hated the feeling that everything was within reach, yet at the same time, beyond. It made him feel handicapped. Most of all, he hated how muted all of his senses felt as if someone was doing their best to make sure he didn’t move an inch from whatever it was that he was tied down to.

Lonely, that was all there was to what he was as he slipped out of what little consciousness he had managed to gain. Lonely, and lost.

 

 

 

 

 

He heard a name, he wasn’t sure who Hakyeon was, but it made him want to pull himself out of the darkness that seemed to blanket him. Maybe his consciousness was only playing games with him. The pain from the last time he’d come around had dulled down enough for it to feel like he was astral projecting, almost, or lucid dreaming, as if he was not attached to a physical body. That would explain why he was unable to open his eyes at will.

“Hakyeon!”

It was that name again. He frowned, or at least, he tried to.

A sudden fragrance overwhelmed him, a sort of light filtered in. He wasn’t entirely sure how he found himself standing in the middle of what seemed to be a garden of sorts, flowers blooming to their fullest. It must have been spring.

“You’re so slow, hyung!” A man, younger probably, looked his way with an exasperated expression.

He turned to look behind him. That man couldn’t possibly be speaking to him, after all. But, there was nobody but him. A more severe frown overtook his features and he looked back at the man. He opened his mouth, a question at the ready, but before the words could fly out of his mouth, a hand wrapped around his wrist, and his mouth promptly fell open, the words dying in his mouth.

“There’s nobody around. You already made sure, didn’t you? Don’t be so paranoid. Let’s just enjoy for now. Please?”

It wasn’t like he could have said no when he was being pulled in whatever direction the man had wanted to go in. It was a nice place. He couldn’t put a name to it, though. He probably shouldn’t have even tried, when he could barely remember he was a person himself.

“Feels nice, doesn’t it, to be able to get out in public without having to be careful. I feel liberated, in a sense. Obviously, I know this is only a fake sense of security, but here, in this country, I don’t care the name of, with you, and just you, it feels nice.” The man shrugged.

Those words, however, left a bitter aftertaste in him. He shuddered slightly, at what the man was seemingly implying, even with the way he shuffled closer to his body and slipped a hand around his waist. He would have jumped, but the man’s fingers and hand had a grounding effect and he simply leant in.

A sloppy kiss was suddenly placed in between his eyebrows and he gasped. Warmth of a kind he had become unaccustomed to in his lucid state spread through him, just as he was pulled away from the image of that man, recognition flaring through him as he realised he did know that man, after all.

Hongbin.

 

 

 

 

 

Darkness, all that surrounded him was darkness, as far as he could tell. He could feel his body lying on something hard, possibly the worst kind of mattress on the face of earth, or maybe it was hard, cold ground, he couldn’t differentiate. All he was sure of was the fact that his back seemed to be lying on something hard, his hands and legs lying by his body’s side, unmoving.

He thought he opened his eyes, maybe not, because the darkness seemed to seep into his eyes even as he tried to look around, to make sense of his surroundings. He felt suspended, as if by strings. There was absolutely no sense of time, or light wherever he was.

Yet, there was a sense of being, something more than the previous time.

He swore there was somebody next to him, prodding about. And if he tried hard enough, he could hear the slow beeping of some machine. It must have been a machine. It was too consistent to not be one, although he couldn’t pinpoint what sort. It left him feeling a little better. Maybe his senses weren’t all dead, after all.

But his physical body remained in its place. He simply couldn’t will his body to move. And strangely enough, he knew inherently that trying would probably not be in his best interest. There were more people around, he could hear the faint sounds of their voices filtering in through the cotton in his ears, or what he thought was cotton, at least. Or some sort of a gauze.

“What’s the point of keeping him alive?”

“I don’t think you are qualified enough to be curious,”

“Who  _is_  he?”

“You don’t need to know,”

Huh. Whoever the  _he_  that the voices were referring to were, he sure hoped it wasn’t him. Being kept alive forcefully didn’t seem like the best thing, so to say. A person needed to have freedom to choose. Nobody should be allowed to force their wishes on somebody else. It simply wasn’t fair, was it?

The little snippet he heard yet left him feeling largely unsettled. Unsettled, and maybe just a bit angry.

 

 

 

 

 

The next time he came to, everything was shaking. He tried to breathe through his nose, but all he took in was extreme gasps of air through his mouth. His heart began to hammer in his chest, he could feel wetness blanket his entire body. Sweat, he presumed, or cold chills.

For the first time in a long time, he felt connected to his body properly, and not just as if he was floating around in mid-air. There was a burning sort of pain that was beginning to overtake his barely regained senses. His head felt like someone was splitting it open with a hammer and an axe. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to know why he knew what that particular form of torture felt like.

“Call the doctor. He might die at this rate,”

Ah, so  _he_  was the one in the hospital. Damn it.

“I still don’t understand why he needs to be kept alive. What’s so important about this man?”

“I told you not to ask unnecessary questions, Sanghyuk. Just quietly do your work. Go call Dr Jung right now,”

“Yes, sir,”

Somebody came running, or maybe it was two somebodies and he was suddenly surrounded. There was more beeping, some tubes being pulled out of him, some being put in. His veins seemed to have gotten injected with something. Breathing through his nose, that had been difficult since he’d flitted around seemed to flow a bit easier as he was prodded with.

“He’s stable for now,”

“Thank you, Dr Jung,”

“I would rather you curse at me for keeping this man alive, Sanghyuk,”

“I don’t understand, Dr Jung,”

“Ignorance truly is blissful, soldier,”

 

 

 

 

 

It surprised him just as much as it seemingly surprised the man seated on an uncomfortable looking chair by his bed’s side, as his eyes flitted open. He had long since given up on succeeding in making his body work the way he wanted it to, so when his eyes opened by his will, a small gasp escaped his mouth, the sound foreign even to his ears.

“Oh, you woke up!” The man exclaimed, jumping to his feet. “Can you say something?”

He blinked. Well, that was a lame question, in his opinion. He’d only just gotten around to opening his eyes. Surely, opening his mouth would take longer.

The man must have realised the stupidity of his own question, for his hand flew to rub at the back of his neck and he muttered a sorry, before stepping out of the stark white hospital ward, possibly to call on the doctor.

Surely enough, the man came back in with a doctor in tow. Dr Jung, he read the tag clipped onto his left breast.

“Hello, can you tell me what you know about yourself, please?” The doctor brought out a notebook from one of his pockets and pulled out a pen.

The bedside man simple stood in a corner, his hands joined behind him.

He tried, he truly did, but apparently, the boulders from a few days ago hadn’t been removed, and he absolutely no recollection whatsoever of what his identity was. Disconcerting, really. Why was it that he couldn’t remember who he was? That was supposed to be pretty basic information, wasn’t it?

He shook his head, or so he thought, but his silence must have been answer enough.

The doctor sighed. “Sanghyuk,” He motioned to the bedside man.

Ah, so that was the curious Sanghyuk.

He stepped forward. “Hello,” Sanghyuk managed a tiny wave, an awkward smile lifting his lips up a tiny bit. “I’m Sanghyuk, Han Sanghyuk, and I am a very close friend of yours,” He shuffled slightly on his feet. “You had an accident some time ago, and it’s kind of a miracle you’re still alive, the doctors said. They said you may have lost your memory, so if you want to know anything, ask me,”

“Oh, your name is Cha Hakyeon,”

Cha Hakyeon, he tried it around in his head, and it sounded right. Something tugged at his mind, a distant memory, maybe, of somebody calling him that, of somebody warm, of somebody who was probably close to him. He just had no idea who that somebody was.

Cha Hakyeon.

 

 

 

 

 

It was that man again, the one from the flower garden in that other country. But there was something inherently different about him that time around. For one, he wasn’t smiling at him fondly. For another, he was dressed in camouflage. And he had a revolver in his hand, a fucking sniper stood by his side against the wall.

And the revolver was aimed at him.

“Drop it, Lee,” He heard himself say.

“Only if you do so as well, Cha,” who he supposed was lee fired back.

His gaze dropped down to his own hands and found something equally dangerous clutched tightly. What the hell was he up to that warranted such measures, he couldn’t tell. His hands moved of their own accord and the weapon in his hands pointed right at Lee’s chest. He was horrified by his own actions, but apparently, the him who was perched on top of what looked like a parapet wall of someone’s terrace was absolutely fearless. Or stupid.

His mouth opened once again, “Lee, for the last time, this isn’t a game for kids. Drop the weapon and I’ll let you get away with only a broken leg,”

Lee laughed, loud and clear, the sound ringing in his ears. “We have a what, three-year difference? That doesn’t make me a kid, Cha. What makes you think I’m going to let you get away scratch free from this?”

He heard an irritated sigh escape his mouth. “Look, the target is going to be out of that building anytime now and I can’t afford to waste any time having a meaningless conversation with a child. So fuck off, and let me do my job,”

Lee switched out his revolver for the sniper and snickered at him. “Wow, that wasn’t what you were saying last night when you were begging me to go faster,” Shooting a glance towards him and being satisfied whatever it was that he saw, he continued. “ I never took you for a coward. Stupid, maybe, but not cowardly. Are you scared I’ll get to your target before you do get to him yourself?”

He seethed. “You wish, Lee. You wish,” He wasn’t sure, but he suddenly felt on fire with the previous comment that he steadfastly ignored to the best of his abilities.

He found himself stealing glances at Lee, as if trying to figure him out and hoping Lee didn’t notice. His luck wasn’t as such, though.

“If you stare any more than that your eyes will fall right out of their sockets, Cha,” The smirk was audible enough for it to not warrant another glance his way.

A sudden wind whipped through in their direction, blowing the fringes of Lee’s hair right into his eyes, and he couldn’t resist. Without much thought, he simply reached out to tuck them back behind Lee’s ears and as his fingers brushed against Lee’s skin, it buzzed. It was electric, unlike anything he thought possible.

His gaze narrowed in on Lee, he drank in his features, almost like he felt it was a thing of utmost importance, even more so than whatever target was awaiting their shots. It seemed to him that time stilled, something that was known for not stopping for nobody.

His fingers bristled through the soft strands of Lee’s hair as Lee’s eyes flitted over to his, expressing slight confusion yet the fondness in them was evident. Maybe it should have not felt the way, maybe it was unordinary for him to feel so content, perched on that slab of brick and cement, a fucking sniper in his hands, yet it felt like it was meant to be.

Picture perfect was something he’d never really understood before.

The scene came to life just as quickly as it had stilled, bringing with it a change not so subtle. He was taken aback with the sudden change in scenery. Night had fallen, or maybe it was the curtains that were drawn and the lights that were dimmed that portrayed the effect. Yet, Lee’s face was still in between his hands.

Only, the strands of hair that had been softly whispering in the wind had begun to cling to Lee’s face as sweat dripped down his forehead, rolled out at the sides of his face. He was somehow on top of Lee. It was silent, except for the quiet panting of their breaths mingling together as his face inched in on Lee’s and a sudden fire ripped through him.

Warmth and content filled his very core as his lips touched those of Lee’s and he suddenly became aware of the name that continuously slipped past his lips, Hongbin.

“I’ve missed this,” He heard himself whisper in the quiet stillness.

“I’m sorry we cannot do this more often,” Hongbin whispered back, sinking into the sheets and taking him with.

He spread himself out beside Hongbin and laid on his side, their eyes connecting, their smiles just as fond. “It’s not your fault, is it?”

“Maybe not. Maybe we just met in the wrong lifetime, maybe we weren’t meant to meet at all. But it feels right,”

He sighed and ran his fingers across Hongbin’s jaw. “I would promise you an eternity, but I don’t make empty promises, soldier. Maybe one day,”

Hongbin clasped his fingers. “Maybe one day,”

He closed his eyes, burning the memory into the depths of his mind, hoping they would never be erased, not even by his own will. As he did, the fingers around his hand tightened and a sudden pang of  _something_  overtook him, his spine shooting straight.

When he opened his eyes, gone was the stillness he’d just about committed to memory, gone was the unspoken words of adoration on Hongbin’s lips, instead replaced by something that sounded horrifically like “run away”.

He heard sounds of what sounded like gunshots extremely close to their vicinity. They were hidden behind what seemed to be a van of sorts, with its paint peeling in places. His eyes took in whatever they could, of the expanse of rubble and smoke and cries and deafening silence.

“You need to listen to me, Hakyeon. Please, just leave. I can take care of this,” Hongbin’s voice dripped with desperation.

“No,” He heard himself defy.

“Hakyeon, I know these people. They will do anything to get to me. And the only thing that will ever get me to behave would be when something happens to you. I don’t want that, hyung,”

“I’m not a fucking liability, Hongbin. I’m not running away leaving you in danger. You need to understand that you’re just as important to me as you say I am to you. And if anything happens to you, I will fucking burn this world down,”

“That’s exactly what I’m afraid of,”

“I’m not crazy, Hongbin,” His eyes roamed over the whole area, looking for better places to hide in.

“Yes, you are. Don’t you dare deny it. I know you. I know what you’re capable of. They’re looking for me, so please, let me take care of it,”

He stood, pushing Hongbin behind him into one of the tiniest alleys he’d ever laid eyes on. “Stay hidden,” he whispered, turning back to face the mass of people with weapons he didn’t have the time to register as he opened fire. “You need to fight me if you want to get to Hongbin, you cowards,” he seethed.

Everything happened so quickly he wasn’t even sure which direction the shot had come from. He was suddenly on the ground, a deep-seated pain of something searing right through his lungs as something warm and viscous drizzled out.

“He’s down,” He heard someone call at the same time when he felt arms grab his body and drag him away, just as he heard more shouts.

“Keep looking for Agent Lee, he must be near,”

“Take Cha hostage,”

“Lee will come looking for Cha. Here’s our only chance,”

And the one last thing before the darkness trickled in once more.

“Agent Lee has been spotted. He seems to be on a rampage,”

And a single “Hakyeon, I love you,”

_He jolted awake, his head pounding and his eyes searching for Hongbin’s. He simply wanted to let him know he returned the sentiments._

_“Lee Hongbin,”_

 

 

 

 

He was bored. The hospital had no source of entertainment. The only one he saw on a regular basis was Sanghyuk, unless one would count a doctor’s visit on the daily. He didn’t like feeling so goddamn disconnected.

He was told his name was Hakyeon, sure, but he didn’t feel like one. He had no recollection of something as basic as his own name. It left him feeling so damn insignificant, he simply wanted to crawl into the ground and bide his time there. Maybe he could at least provide nutrition to the soil, let new life come forth.

“Hakyeon?” Sanghyuk cleared his throat, fiddling with his fingers nervously.

For somebody that looked like he’d expanded overnight, Sanghyuk could be a nervous wreck at times, and Hakyeon couldn’t help but find it a tiny bit adorable. Yet, having been broken out of his self-wallowing time, he simply hummed at him in reply.

“Who’s Hongbin?”

Hakyeon’s eyes flitted over to Sanghyuk’s genuinely confused. “Who?”

“Last night you were – never mind,” Sanghyuk looked equally confused.

“Sanghyuk,” Hakyeon sighed, sitting up in his hard hospital bed. “You cannot simply ask me something and not elaborate. You already know I don’t remember anything,”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything at all,”

“Well, now I need to know,” Hakyeon raised an eyebrow.

Sanghyuk settled into his equally hard and despicable hospital issued chair that rivalled what could be bought at a thrift store and sighed. “Last night, you seemed to be moving about a lot during sleep. Maybe you were dreaming, except, towards the end, you screamed in agony and then just gasped out that name. I was curious,”

Hakyeon fixed him with a glare. “Well, Sanghyuk, you should be the one to know, if anyone, who that Hongbin would be, considering you are the only person who was apparently close enough to me to bother showing up at the hospital while I’m recovering from whatever sort of a shitty accident this was,”

“I’m sorry, just forget I said anything, please,” Sanghyuk sounded so sincere.

Hakyeon felt the guilt creep into him. It wasn’t all Sanghyuk’s fault, was it, that his parents had died when he was too young, and that he’d lived with his grandma after that, or that she died of old age and he’d been on his own since. The sad part of it all was that he couldn’t even remember all these people that were supposedly of extreme importance to him. It all seemed like it was someone else’s story, not his.

“No, I’m sorry. It’s just that this place is so depressing I can’t think of anything but how pathetic I am,”

“It’s depressing?” Sanghyuk asked.

“Yes. It’s just a feeling I have, but it seems to drip with torture and what not. It gives me the creeps,” Hakyeon shivered slightly.

Sanghyuk looked around the pristine white room as if it was the first time he was truly looking at them. “It does?”

Hakyeon nodded. It wasn’t something he could explain with words. “Can’t we get out? How long do I need to be imprisoned here?”

“I’m not sure. It’s not in my hands, sorry,” Sanghyuk replied, his gaze dropping to the floor.

“You need to stop apologising, Hyukkie. None of this is your fault,”

Hakyeon was left unable to read whatever was in Sanghyuk’s eyes before he excused himself to go talk to the doctor.

It was all just so strange.

 

 

 

 

 

“Why are we packing all of a sudden?”

“We got the green signal, that’s why,” Sanghyuk replied from where he was stuffing things into a large black bag with unnecessary aggression. Not that there was too much to pack.

“No, that’s not my point. Why now? Why right at this moment?” Hakyeon was perched on the edge of his beg, his legs dangling off of it.

Sanghyuk stopped for a moment, just to spare a glance. “Why not now? Why wait?”

Hakyeon frowned. “I don’t understand what is going on in the least, Sanghyuk. It doesn’t make sense. You were adamant about not leaving till just a few hours ago, need I remind you. You don’t simply burst in at whatever time it is right now and tell me we’re leaving. Isn’t a doctor supposed to at least check in on us?”

“Dr Jung is on leave,”

“Are you sure we can just leave, then?” Hakyeon prompted again.

Sanghyuk dropped the diary in his hands into the bag and looked up, a hand on his hip. “Listen, can you please just shut up for a while? I’m trying to get things done here,”

Hakyeon glared. “I do not appreciate that tone, young man,”

Sanghyuk sighed. “And I don’t understand why you can’t simply – oh my fucking God,” he jumped when the door burst open, his hand flying to clutch at his chest.

“Oh, Dr Jung,” Hakyeon frowned at the sudden entry. “Sanghyuk was just telling me you were on leave today,”

“Ah, was he?” Dr Jung looked towards Sanghyuk before turning his attention back on Hakyeon. “Ignore him for now, Mr Cha. I’ve come to give you one last shot before you’ll be discharged. Is that okay?”

Hakyeon ignored Sanghyuk’s squeak of protest as he laid back down on the bed and bared his arm for the shot. “Sure,”

“Dr Jung, may I speak to you a moment?” Sanghyuk crept up behind the doctor.

“No, Sanghyuk, you may not. I have things to get done before – well, right now,”

Hakyeon felt the tiny prick of the needle as it pierced through his skin and the flow of the cool medicine right into his veins. It surprised him slightly, most of his shots had been either subcutaneously given or intramuscularly given previously.

“Does the shot need to work fast or something” He found himself asking and honestly, he was just as surprised as Dr Jung was at the question. He hadn’t been aware he was privy to some knowledge that was as inherently medical as it was.

 “Yes, and now I need you to close your eyes and not think of anything for a while. Can you do that, please?”

Hakyeon did as he was asked. He was tired even though he had done nothing but laze around the room, asking Sanghyuk to ask some stupid questions about his so-called forgotten past life. He was curious about one thing the most but Sanghyuk had proven absolutely useless in that line of questioning.

_“Tell me Sanghyuk, have I ever been in love?”_

_“What?”_

_“Love, Sanghyuk. Did I date around? Did I have a steady relationship going? Was I forever single and lonely?”_

_“I… I don’t know,”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I mean that you were very secretive about your love life. I didn’t know much about it,’_

_“That can’t be possibly true,”_

_“But it is,”_

_“You’re not telling me something. Is he dead? Did he die in the car crash?”_

_“No,”_

_“Stop lying, damnit. I know there was someone. I may not remember anything but I can remember the feelings, you know? I am beyond sure there was somebody in my life. Stop walking on eggshells around me,”_

Either way, a conversation with no end in sight left him exhausted nonetheless and he found himself drifting off without much trouble. He’d almost drifted off when he heard a loud bang, one he couldn’t place exactly, yet it seemed to come from everywhere in general.

“We need to get him out of here. Now!”

“He’s coming, isn’t he?”

He felt the ground beneath him shake slightly. Was it an earthquake of sorts? He felt paralysed, though. He hoped Sanghyuk would at least move him out of danger’s way.

“He’s already here,”

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if the ending has disappointed you ;((
> 
> Do leave me comments and kudos if you liked it enough ^^
> 
> That will be much appreciated


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